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Waiting for the chips to fall

>> Tuesday, June 9, 2009

So I guess we should have been prepared as they do say that things come in threes. After Chris' dad spending time in the hospital, then Chris being admitted the day his dad got discharged, I should have known that the hospital stays weren't over just yet. Not even a week after Chris came home, his dad was re-admitted to the hospital (this time at Scarborough Grace, which thankfully is a lot closer than Credit Valley in Mississauga). We're not sure how long he'll be in there, but I'm hoping they start a better treatment plan soon.

It's been a rough road these past several weeks for our whole family, and I keep thinking "what else?" I keep waiting for the chips to fall, waiting for what else could happen and what other bad news we might have to hear or hard decisions we might have to make. Probably the single thought that has kept me sane so far though has been "God never gives you more than you can handle." I've always believed this, and it's given me a lot of comfort lately. Of course, I also think that things could always be worse, and I should just continue to be grateful for all the blessings that have occured so far. But - sometimes that's just really hard.

On a completely unrelated note (or maybe not) I also feel really confused at the moment about where my life is going. I've been pretty open about my continuing search the last little while for true meaning and passion in my life. I feel like I'm at a real crossroads career-wise. There are soooo many things I'm interested in, so many directions I could go - how does someone pinpoint exactly what it is they should spend their life doing? Growing up I always thought I'd be an actor, then for the longest time I thought "singer/songwriter", then perhaps humanitarian worker, then maybe outdoor adventure guide, then I thought "hey, why not all four?". I just don't know why I'm here, what my true purpose is, and for someone who likes to plan ahead and know what's going to happen I find that horribly frustrating and annoying.

I've been reading a lot of books lately, those lovely "self-help" books that my husband hates. While I do agree that some of it is fluff, I can see how some of them might be helpful in the long-run. One thing I read the other day really resonated with me. For the last few years I've always kind of thought that I would find my passion suddenly, kind of like a flash of lightening. I thought I'd have some sort of spiritual experience or something that would leave me absolutely certain of what I was supposed to do and accomplish in life. This book focuses on the fact that for most people, this just doesn't happen. It's through trial and error and just going with your gut instincts that things start to happen and you find yourself on the right career-path. I can't explain it as well as this author did, but it did make me think that maybe I should just start doing things I like to do and stop worrying about where it's taking me or what the "next step" is. I tend to get really discouraged when I can't see how I'm supposed to get from A to Z, but perhaps by just focusing on doing "A", that will eventually get me to "B", which will then get me to "C", and so on and so forth. There is that famous quote from the Chinese philosopher Lao-tzu "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" which maybe has stuck around for so long for a reason - it makes sense.

What is my first step though? Which direction shall I go in? As I write this, I feel like I need to get back in touch with who I am, and not who I think people want me to be. Hmmm, something for me to think about.

Anyhoo - I'm going to wrap this up as I feel the urge now to maybe just go for a walk and clear my head for a minute. I've always felt better and more "myself" when I'm out in nature (I went to a cottage this past weekend and as soon as I saw the lake it was like my heart sighed a big sigh of relief). I'm staring out my big window in my office at home, looking at how green the trees are, and although it's rainy and wet outside and I have a zillion chores to do, I think both Franklin and I are due for a walk.

Hope everyone out there in Internet-land has a great night,



JTCF June 11, 2009 at 11:14 AM  

I'm sorry to read you've had a rough few weeks. I hope your husband is feeling much better and is recovering nicely. Hopefully, your FIL will be feeling better soon as well.

I'm sure in time you'll find your meaning and purpose in life. Take comfort in knowing that it isn't the destination that matters but the journey. It sounds like despite the road bumps along the way, you've had a wonderful journey thus far. :)

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