Day 69

I know I've been a deliquent blogger later. I haven't been feeling very well and, . . . well I think I'm depressed. I feel foolish just writing that 'cause I know there are a lot of people out there who have way more reasons than I to be depressed but are standing up straight and making the best of it. I have my reasons of course, but I know in the grand scheme of things they are very, very small and insignificant.

I just feel so unmotivated lately. I haven't been taking very good care of myself and it has really started to show in how I feel day to day. I'm tired all the time, I've had a splitting headache for 7 days now, my left lower eyelid has been having these weird spasms about 10 times an hour for about 3 weeks, and this morning I woke up and my entire upper back felt completely tense and frozen. I went to work for an hour and a half but then had to come home 'cause I was almost in tears. I wonder if my dissatisfaction with life right now is causing all these physical things, or if it's the other way around.

It's also so upside down, 'cause the only time I've really felt "alive" and like my old self lately has been when I'm working on my music. But - I end up spending most of my waking hours at a job I don't really enjoy, the whole time wishing I was at home doing the music stuff that I truly love.

I don't know. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with my new family doctor so I'm hoping she can shed some light on some things. I just wish there was some sort of "motivation" shot you could get that would help me shake these blues I've been having.

It also doesn't help that I turn my car in next week (the lease is up) and have to start taking the bus. It's not that I mind that, but Chris and I just found out today that his insurance company won't add me to his policy (the plan was that I could occasionally use his van to get to and from work, to go shopping, etc) because I've had 2 accidents in the last 5 years (both not my fault but that's a whole other story). So basically once I turn my car in next week I can't drive at all. I could always rent a car if I really needed it, but now on my days off and such, I won't even have the van as an option. It's bus-it or stay at home. Arghhh. How can I pay into insurance for so long only to be punished for accidents that were unavoidable? (one was in a parking lot so even though someone hit me we both were technically "at fault" and the other one was weather related). It really pisses me off that the Ontario insurance industry is so screwed up.

I really need some divine intervention here. I hate feeling like this and being whiny and mopey. I need some quotes or bible verses or something to cheer me up, so please share if you have any.

I should probably focus on what I'm grateful for - maybe that'll help get rid of my blues. People say that what you focus on increases, so maybe I've been focusing too much on the bad things in my life and instead should focus on the good . . .

Alright - so even though I'm not in the mood, here are some things I am grateful for today . . .

1. I have a computer so I can blog and vent
2. My husband - instead of ignoring me when I'm in a mood he actually listens
3. My dog Franklin - he lay on the floor beside the bed when I was lying there this morning in pain and upset
4. My blue guitar - just looking at it now is making me feel better a bit
5. The thought that even if I can drive at all, at least I'll be saving $700.00 a month and won't have to worry about car and insurance payments
6. My family - I've very excited to see them all in December and have the whole clan together again under one roof
7. Carpeted floors - I'm grateful my house is mostly all carpet - I find it warm and comforting
8. My bed
9. My house
10. My friends


Okay so I do feel a bit better now. Still not great, but a maybe not quite as bad. Anyhoo - if anyone reading this has any helpful tips on how to remotivate yourself and get your energy up and your "joie de vivre" back, please do share. I always do appreciate any and all comments I get . . .

Suz